So. It certainly has been a while since I've written, but I hate to leave tracks. Therefore, I've been writing by hand - but now I'm back on the World Wide Web.
Perhaps my egotisitical mind feels, that I've got some real bizarre things to write about - just too good to hide in some little notebook, hidden under some clothes, that are hidden under some boxes, underneath the drawers.
Either way, enough stalling - here's what I have to say:
Forgive me for sounding poetic, but I literally gave you a piece of my heart the other day. I went to my journal, took out a page, and gave it to you to read. I literally opened up my heart to you, and let you.
Do you know what you had to say about it? Nothing.
Not a word.
I actually requested that you write back, and didn't even do that.
As much as you resent your father, and the way he deals with personal emotional matters, you are no different.
I just don't understand how someone can emotionally connect with you. What more could I possibly have done to express to you how I feel. How many times in this last few months, have I said to you - " I need you to recommit to me". Do you know what it's gotten me? Nothing.
The other night when we were on the roof of the Peninsula, celebrating our 6th engagement anniversay - you turned to me, opened your mouth, and then shut it. I actually thought that you were going to recommit right there. I thought that was the moment you were waiting for, to give me what I've been asking for. I don't know if that's what you were going to say when you started to talk, but either way - it didn't happen.
I'm begining to feel that maybe it's not that you don't communicate, but maybe you don't feel. Maybe you have no feelings.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Thursday, September 4, 2008
9.4.08
One of my holdups on doing IVF, is that sometimes I worry if we are mistakingly forcing nature. I can't help but fear that this natural process isn't happening naturally, because our relationship isn't in "all" aspects - natural.
After your reaction to the test results this morning, I felt maybe you are too selfish to be a father yet. Maybe, this issue should be dealt with, before fatherhood comes apon you. But then I thought...maybe on the flip side, you reacted that way in order to shield your true emotions of humiliation or disappointment. The answer to this is unknown and will only be revealed in your future actions, I guess.
But must you be so stubborn? After insitinctively getting defensive and creating an excuse - admit your true feelings. You are never "ready to talk about it".
I just think that if the doctor looks at your lab results, and says "did you have a healthy summer?" - give him an honest answer, what he thinks of you should not be your number one priority here. Are you scared he'll tell you to stop? Are you worried he'll criticize you? Is he the only one you'll really listen to?
If giving up your vices for 3 months is too hard for you...then you are selfish and weak. To me, that's toxic.
I don't want to fight with you, you get too defensive and it's never worth it. But, I can't help this nagging feeling of wanting to be absolutely sure that it's not always going to be this hard & confusing.
Don't get me wrong. I want to have kids and spend the rest of my life with you. I love you.
I just want some sort of sign or promise that things will change. You will grow up, you will get your act together and you will aggresively chase your ambitions. You will be responsible, respectful and loyal.
I think I need you to re-commit to me.
Emotionally and vocally.
I also wish I could actually tell you this.
I know you feel that it's just a load of my problems and negativity, but if you listened long enough you would hear that I have the exact recipe for it's solutions too.
That's the part that I'm really trying to get at in the first place.
Again, I wish I could actually tell you this.
After your reaction to the test results this morning, I felt maybe you are too selfish to be a father yet. Maybe, this issue should be dealt with, before fatherhood comes apon you. But then I thought...maybe on the flip side, you reacted that way in order to shield your true emotions of humiliation or disappointment. The answer to this is unknown and will only be revealed in your future actions, I guess.
But must you be so stubborn? After insitinctively getting defensive and creating an excuse - admit your true feelings. You are never "ready to talk about it".
I just think that if the doctor looks at your lab results, and says "did you have a healthy summer?" - give him an honest answer, what he thinks of you should not be your number one priority here. Are you scared he'll tell you to stop? Are you worried he'll criticize you? Is he the only one you'll really listen to?
If giving up your vices for 3 months is too hard for you...then you are selfish and weak. To me, that's toxic.
I don't want to fight with you, you get too defensive and it's never worth it. But, I can't help this nagging feeling of wanting to be absolutely sure that it's not always going to be this hard & confusing.
Don't get me wrong. I want to have kids and spend the rest of my life with you. I love you.
I just want some sort of sign or promise that things will change. You will grow up, you will get your act together and you will aggresively chase your ambitions. You will be responsible, respectful and loyal.
I think I need you to re-commit to me.
Emotionally and vocally.
I also wish I could actually tell you this.
I know you feel that it's just a load of my problems and negativity, but if you listened long enough you would hear that I have the exact recipe for it's solutions too.
That's the part that I'm really trying to get at in the first place.
Again, I wish I could actually tell you this.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
MY DEBUT POST
So here I am. The first post.
It took me a week to start writing from when I created the blog. Imagine, how long ago I thought of blogging!
Until now, I have been writing in a little, mini notebook. Like the kind that I used as a homework pad in elementary school. But, I must tell you - the pages are small, but the satisfaction is enormous. Juat ravaging those little pages with words and flipping the pages so fast, I can't keep up with myself. But I always wanted to blog, and I'm tired of hiding the journal and every so often, destroying it - in case it gets found. I have actually come to the realization that broadcasting my thoughts over the internet might be safer than keeping it in my hair accessory drawer, under a bunch of silk scarves and headbands.
Before I was ever in a relationship with a male, I had this Hollywood image of men being tough and romantic. Then I realized that men are not tough at all. They seem to be more sensitive than any female I know. It's harder to confront them, get them to open up to you, and criticize them. I have one brother, but alway thought he was so sensitve since he grew up with so many girls in the house. However, I've since learnt this is not why.
My husband in particular, cannot be criticized in any way, shape, or form. I know that this is not necessarily the average case, but it's my case. For this reason, I've decided that my feelings and thoughts must be released and if they can't be expressed to him then I will express them to anyone who is willing to pretend to be him. Thus the blog. My new husband that I can express frustration to. Now, it's not like we don't communicate or love eachother - or it's only frustration I ever want to express. Like most relationships, it is balanced - just the good is much easier to go through than the bad.
So welcome to my blog, and I hope you enjoy being a fly on my wall. Please comment and participate, as I am always looking for advice and conversation!
It took me a week to start writing from when I created the blog. Imagine, how long ago I thought of blogging!
Until now, I have been writing in a little, mini notebook. Like the kind that I used as a homework pad in elementary school. But, I must tell you - the pages are small, but the satisfaction is enormous. Juat ravaging those little pages with words and flipping the pages so fast, I can't keep up with myself. But I always wanted to blog, and I'm tired of hiding the journal and every so often, destroying it - in case it gets found. I have actually come to the realization that broadcasting my thoughts over the internet might be safer than keeping it in my hair accessory drawer, under a bunch of silk scarves and headbands.
Before I was ever in a relationship with a male, I had this Hollywood image of men being tough and romantic. Then I realized that men are not tough at all. They seem to be more sensitive than any female I know. It's harder to confront them, get them to open up to you, and criticize them. I have one brother, but alway thought he was so sensitve since he grew up with so many girls in the house. However, I've since learnt this is not why.
My husband in particular, cannot be criticized in any way, shape, or form. I know that this is not necessarily the average case, but it's my case. For this reason, I've decided that my feelings and thoughts must be released and if they can't be expressed to him then I will express them to anyone who is willing to pretend to be him. Thus the blog. My new husband that I can express frustration to. Now, it's not like we don't communicate or love eachother - or it's only frustration I ever want to express. Like most relationships, it is balanced - just the good is much easier to go through than the bad.
So welcome to my blog, and I hope you enjoy being a fly on my wall. Please comment and participate, as I am always looking for advice and conversation!
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