One of my holdups on doing IVF, is that sometimes I worry if we are mistakingly forcing nature. I can't help but fear that this natural process isn't happening naturally, because our relationship isn't in "all" aspects - natural.
After your reaction to the test results this morning, I felt maybe you are too selfish to be a father yet. Maybe, this issue should be dealt with, before fatherhood comes apon you. But then I thought...maybe on the flip side, you reacted that way in order to shield your true emotions of humiliation or disappointment. The answer to this is unknown and will only be revealed in your future actions, I guess.
But must you be so stubborn? After insitinctively getting defensive and creating an excuse - admit your true feelings. You are never "ready to talk about it".
I just think that if the doctor looks at your lab results, and says "did you have a healthy summer?" - give him an honest answer, what he thinks of you should not be your number one priority here. Are you scared he'll tell you to stop? Are you worried he'll criticize you? Is he the only one you'll really listen to?
If giving up your vices for 3 months is too hard for you...then you are selfish and weak. To me, that's toxic.
I don't want to fight with you, you get too defensive and it's never worth it. But, I can't help this nagging feeling of wanting to be absolutely sure that it's not always going to be this hard & confusing.
Don't get me wrong. I want to have kids and spend the rest of my life with you. I love you.
I just want some sort of sign or promise that things will change. You will grow up, you will get your act together and you will aggresively chase your ambitions. You will be responsible, respectful and loyal.
I think I need you to re-commit to me.
Emotionally and vocally.
I also wish I could actually tell you this.
I know you feel that it's just a load of my problems and negativity, but if you listened long enough you would hear that I have the exact recipe for it's solutions too.
That's the part that I'm really trying to get at in the first place.
Again, I wish I could actually tell you this.
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